Sunday, September 30, 2012

My Personal Roast of Steve Hofmeyr

South Africa started another TV show based on an American show... What a surprise! So, our first Comedy Central Roast involved lame humor and failed attempts of roasting Steve Hofmeyr.


Now, it's no secret that the roast sucked. There were a few good lines, but really, no roasting actually happened.

So, I know that I am no comedian, but I could have done better. If I offend you, or anything about you, please feel free to GTFO.

Let me start by saying that if Steve was made in God's image, we all understand why Casper de Vries is an atheist.

The difference between Julius Malema and Steve Hofmeyr is this... The police are trying to remove Julius from society.

His mind may have gone on vacation, but his mouth is still working overtime.

I am grateful for Steve Hofmeyr, he made it easy for me to recognize idiots at a braai. If they know the song, they're idiots, and if they own the CD, they're brain dead.

Looking at Steve, I don't know what Casper or Sharlene sees in men...

He also made idiots on the road identify themselves by hanging blue balls on their cars, which looked suspiciously the same as the outfit he was wearing.


We know that there is a recession and you have to save money, but Steve, condoms in South Africa are free. When you register your next child, or visit a hospital, just check the bathrooms... It costs an average of R6,4-million to raise a child.

There is a theory that with the way you are populating South Africa, within the next 6 generations all of our DNA will match.

We all know that Steve can get carried away sometimes. The only problem is it's never far enough.

He had to leave his last wife due to illness. She got sick of him.

Steve is a great singer. He has no equal. Everybody is better.

He may not look like much, but believe it or not he shows up many of the great thinkers of our age. Well, maybe I'm exaggerating. But at least he's disproved Darwin's theory of evolution.

He puts the FUN in dysFUNctional.

He’s afraid nobody will remember him when he’s gone. Gee, I can think of several reasons he’ll be remembered. He wouldn’t like any of them, but I can think of them.

Steve, all that you are, you owe to your parents. I know a good lawyer.

My heart stopped last night when I heard you sing. Then the neighbors phoned and apologized for their voiceless dog.


Well... That's it!

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

The Dnepropetrovsk Maniacs

Ok, I've been wanting to blog about these three boys since last year when I found out about them on Yahoo Answers. All three of them were born in 1988, which means they're a year younger than I am... By the way... I am addicted to Yahoo Answers and Wikipedia. I can't I magine my life without the Internet!


They are called the Dnepropetrovsk Manaics because they lived in Dnepropetrovsk, Ukraine. DUH! What gave them the name is a completely different story. According to them, and Wikipedia, they were bullied in school. To gain the self-confidence to stand up to their bullies they started doing stupid shit, like doing stunts on tall buildings. They were fourteen at the time... It started getting out of hand when they started killing stray cats and dogs and taking photos with them. Their IQ's just dropped by 25 points. Sorry if you get grossed out, but this is wack.




In a month's time, from 25 June to 23 July in 2007, when these boys were a mere twenty years of age, they killed 21 people. Well, two of the three anyway. The third one was OK with torturing animals to death, but after the first human he didn't like it anymore. One of the videos shown as evidence in the court was a kitten being tortured for three hours, until he was eased of his suffering. These other two nut jobs continued with their personal killing spree and the weird thing is that they involved Hitler into this somehow, and at their victims' funerals, they paid respect by showing them the middle finger and taking photos of it. I don't know about you, but I started the middle finger thing when I was five... Or maybe before that. I remember getting punished in pre-school for doing it. So, BRAVO! boys, your IQ's just dropped another 10 points.





Two boys went fishing in a river nearby the one day, the Dnepropetrovsk Maniacs attacked them. One brave soul survived and notified the Police, when they returned to the scene of the crime, they found the friend's body. Here's something funny though, the Police took the little boy, accused him of murder, and beat him for information. Woops. They let him the boy go when a woman also survived an attack and both of their descriptions of the suspects matched.


Another video shown in court we all know as "3 GUYS 1 HAMMER", and I have seen it. I wouldn't suggest that anyone watch that, but I am way too curious to let stuff like that slip...

The two "more evil" killers are Viktor Sayenko and Igor Suprunyuck, who were both sentenced to life imprisonment. Alexander Hanzha, got 9 years. That means he'll be out in 2018... They were sentenced on February 11, 2009.


It's hard to imagine that these kids used to be cute toddlers, or that the one had a girlfriend. Or just the fact that they were born as humans and ended up Freddy Kruger. Some say they did it for money by selling their snuff movies, others say it was for fun. I don't care why they did it, I'm just glad they got caught and removed from society.

I want to thank skcentral.com for documenting history, and posting photos so I can use them ;)

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Born in 1987

In 1987, the world was a different place.


There was no Google yet. Or Yahoo.

In 1987, the year of your birth, the top selling movie was Fatal Attraction. People buying the popcorn in the cinema lobby had glazing eyes when looking at the poster.


Remember, that was before there were DVDs. People were indeed watching movies in the cinema, and not downloading them online. Imagine the packed seats, the laughter, the excitement, the novelty. And mostly all of that without 3D computer effects.

Do you know who won the Oscars that year? The academy award for the best movie went to The Last Emperor. The Oscar for best foreign movie that year went to Babette's Feast. The top actor was Michael Douglas for his role as Gordon Gekko in Wall Street. The top actress was Cher for her role as Loretta Castorini in Moonstruck. The best director? Bernardo Bertolucci for The Last Emperor.


In the year 1987, the time when you arrived on this planet, books were still popularly read on paper, not on digital devices. Trees were felled to get the word out. The number one US bestseller of the time was The Tommyknockers by Stephen King. Oh, that's many years ago. Have you read that book? Have you heard of it? Look at the cover!


In 1987... Aretha Franklin becomes the first woman inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Pennsylvania Treasurer Budd Dwyer shoots and kills himself with a revolver during a televised press conference after being found guilty on charges of bribery, fraud, conspiracy, and racketeering. The last Ohrbach's department store closes in New York City after 64 years of operation. British Airways is privatised and listed on the London Stock Exchange. Supernova 1987A, the first "naked-eye" supernova since 1604, is observed. U.S. President Ronald Reagan addresses the American people on the Iran-Contra Affair, acknowledging that his overtures to Iran had 'deteriorated' into an arms-for-hostages deal. The Simpsons cartoon first appears on The Tracy Ullman Show. Rudolf Hess is found dead in his cell in Spandau Prison. Hess, 93, is believed to have committed suicide by hanging himself with an electrical flex. He was the last remaining prisoner at the complex, which is soon demolished. NASCAR driver Bill Elliott sets all time fastest lap at Talladega Superspeedway, with 212.8 miles per hour. Lieutenant Colonel Sitiveni Rabuka executes a bloodless coup in Fiji. Nineteen year-old West German pilot Mathias Rust evades Soviet air defenses and lands a private plane on Red Square in Moscow. He is immediately detained. The first ever Edgefest festival takes place at Molson Park in Barrie, Ontario. Guns N' Roses release their debut album, Appetite For Destruction. The Federal Communications Commission rescinds the Fairness Doctrine, which had required radio and television stations to "fairly" present controversial issues. Unknown perpetrators hijack the signal of WGN-TV for about 20 seconds, and WTTW for about 90 seconds, and displays a strange video of a man in a Max Headroom mask. The video game of the day was The Legend of Zelda.

That was the world you were born into. Since then, you and others have changed it.

The Nobel prize for Literature that year went to Joseph Brodsky. The Nobel Peace prize went to Óscar Arias Sánchez. The Nobel prize for physics went to Johannes Georg Bednorz and Karl Alexander Müller from West Germany for their important break-through in the discovery of superconductivity in ceramic materials. The sensation this created was big. But it didn't stop the planets from spinning, on and on, year by year. Years in which you would grow bigger, older, smarter, and, if you were lucky, sometimes wiser. Years in which you also lost some things. Possessions got misplaced. Memories faded. Friends parted ways. The best friends, you tried to hold on. This is what counts in life, isn't it?


The 1980s were indeed a special decade. The Soviet-Afghan war goes on. Eastern Europe sees the collapse of communism. Policies like Perestroika and Glasnost in the Soviet Union lead to a wave of reforms. Protests are crushed down on Tiananmen Square in China. Ethiopa witnesses widespread famine. Nicolae Ceausescu is overthrown. The AIDS pandemic begins. The role of women in the workplace increased greatly. MTV is launched in the US. There is opposition against Apartheid in South Africa as well as worldwide. Heavy Metal and Hard Rock bands are extremely popular. The rise of Techno music begins. Originally primarily played on campus radio stations, College Rock enters the scene with bands like the Pixies, REM and Sonic Youth. The Hip Hop scene continues to evolve. Teletext is introduced. Gay rights become more widely accepted in the world. Opposition to nuclear power plants grows. The A-Team and Seinfeld are popular on TV. US basketball player Michael Jordan bursts on the scene. Super Mario Bros, Zelda's Link, and Pac-Man gain fame in video games. People wear leggings, shoulder pads and Ray-Ban sunglasses.

Do you know what was on the cover of Life that year?


Do you remember the movie that was all the rage when you were 15? Signs. Do you still remember the songs playing on the radio when you were 15? Maybe it was How You Remind Me by Nickelback. Were you in love? Who were you in love with, do you remember?

In 1987, 15 years earlier, a long time ago, the year when you were born, the song La Bamba by Los Lobos topped the US charts. Do you know the lyrics? Do you know the tune? Sing along.

Para bailar la Bamba
Para bailar la Bamba
Se necesita una poca de gracia
Una poca de gracia
Pa mi y pa tiv Ahi arriba ahi arriba
Ahi arriba ahi arriba
Por ti sere
Por ti sere
Yo no soy Marinero
Yo no soy Marinero
Soy Capitan soy Capitan
...


There's a kid outside, shouting, playing. It doesn't care about time. It doesn't know about time. It shouts and it plays and thinks time is forever. You were once that kid.

When you were 9, the movie Dragonheart was playing. When you were 8, there was Jumanji. When you were 7, there was a Disney movie out called Pocahontas. Does this ring a bell?


6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... it's 1987. There's TV noise coming from the second floor. Someone turned up the volume way too high. The sun is burning from above. These were different times. The show playing on TV is Remington Steele. The sun goes down. Someone switches channels. There's Thirtysomething on now. That's the world you were born in.

Progress, year after year. Do you wonder where the world is heading towards? The technology available today would have blown your mind in 1987. Do you know what was invented in the year you were born? The Cholesterol Drug Statin. Digital Light Processing. Electronically-controlled Continuously Variable Transmission.

Have you ever seen me? I'm the future
I represent how it's gonna be, I'm the future
Born in 1987, I'm the future
Party people get ready, it's the future
...


That's from the song The Future by Bow Wow.


In 1987, a new character entered the world of comic books: Mister Sinister. Bang! Boom! But that's just fiction, right? In the real world, in 1987, Aaron Carter was born. And Joss Stone. Tom Felton, too. And you, of course. Everyone an individual. Everyone special. Everyone taking a different path through life.
It's 2012.

The world is a different place.

What path have you taken?

To get your own birthyear information, go to: http://whathappenedinmybirthyear.com/

Monday, September 17, 2012

NC State Fair 2008

So, me and a bunch of friends went to the NC State Fair, which is kind of like the Pretoria Show, except you go for food, and rides. That's it! Don't believe me? Check this... It's just as packed as the Pretoria show.

So many people, eish!


Normal food...


Healthy smoothies...


Deep fried Oreos, deep fried PB & J, deep fried Mac & Cheese, deep fried chocolates. I had a deep fried Snickers, it was disgusting!











Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Funnel Cakes!


Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Corn Dogs!


And then there were the rides... We only went on one, but that's another story in about 30 seconds.




The weird exhibits. They remind me of the series "Carnivale", except everything is fake. I watch way too much TV to fall for that foolishness. OK, I have one photo of the exhibitions, but still...



OK, now for the "behind the scenes of the NC State Fair"



Stupid is what stupid does, so, we went on the ride that was standing on pieces of wood.


Games, games, games, and stupid prizes. I don't have a picture, but one of the guys working at one of the games gave me a little pink piggy. I still have it. It's impossible to win at these games, and we spent a fortune...


My Au Pair comrades... Elena, Ade, Krystle, and Poala.





He won a RABOBI!


Lastly, the most irritating reptile on American TV...


Fun is fun, and done is done.