Road to reality... Not going there yet!

I just watched a movie, Happy-Go-Lucky, and the title interested me because I have been called a happy-go-lucky person a few times in my life. Except for the fact that I'm not that obnoxious anymore, the character "Poppy" is me. The movie is absolutely pointless, has no significant value like other movies such as Sweet November or even The Bucket List, but I found myself staring into a reality.

Poppy is a people-pleaser, as am I, and she tries to solve everyone's problems, and by solving problems she places herself in some difficult situations.

I do that too, and I'm glad I saw the movie, because it made me think...



I listened to the radio last night driving home from work, and the girl talking was going on about how she won't be a good Samaritan anymore. She gave money to a homeless woman and got a snotty "oh, thanks". And then, a few hours later my friend phoned me, his car got towed, I drove in to him in the early morning hours to pay the fine and get his car from the impound lot.

I am a people-pleaser, not that much a good Samaritan. I don't help the homeless, I don't give money to beggars, in fact I despise beggars, and I don't give money to the church, I think its a waste anyway. I do donate money to Helping Hands every month though, a debit order goes off my bank account. (http://www.helpendehand.co.za/)

And I like the way I am, and just as in the movie with Poppy, it frustrates me when you're trying to make someone smile, or just be a bit cheerful and get out of the "dark side", and they ignore you or keep on being negative. The people where I work is the exact example, and you know what, I am extremely grateful that I'm not that negative all the time. I know some of my blog contradict that statement, but really, overall I am happy.

I'm so glad, and grateful, that I have an interview this week. I can not wait, and yet, I just bit off all my fingernails. Bitter sweet.

And then, just now, I found something interesting:

People Pleasing and Love Addiction

by George Hartwell M.Sc. of www.HealMyLife.com

People Pleasing is a powerful web of childhood experiences, beliefs, and painful feelings that result in this meta-strategy to gain love, secure belonging, a safe home base. With such a firm foundation in the experiences of childhood this choice, this compulsion, this mind-set of earning love becomes solid as rock and impossible to stop.

Based on this decision, belief, experience and perception of life that one's caretakers are not going to provide unconditional love, a child devises people pleasing strategies to earn love. These earning love strategies might include: perfectionism, doing what is right, always being good, never giving offense, not expressing anger, working hard, and seeking measurable achievement including Type A behaviour pattern associated with heart attack.

Taken to extremes the child, and later the adult, becomes competative for love and begins to put down rivals for love which can solidify into the ugly habit of religious or non-religious self-righteousness. Do you know anyone who counters any good report about yourself or you children with an example from his or her life or family? Annoying, isn't it? That is competative People Pleasing.

Love Addiction and People Pleasing

Addictions and addictive behaviours are maintained, sustained and rewarded by escape from pain. The pain in People Pleasing is the sinking feelings that I did something wrong and will not be loved as a result. In fact there is a whole set of beliefs and associtated negative feelings called "The Pit" (my term) that anyone would want to escape.

Are you a People Pleaser? Do you find that when you experience criticism, failure, or confrontation you over-react. All of a sudden you are angry or depressed. Your response seems way out proportion to the event.

Here is what has happened. Your worse fears and most painful negative beliefs have just been triggered. You just dropped into "The Pit."

Down in the pits, you experience extremely negative beliefs and very painful feelings. (These feelings are stored in the memory bank of the Limbic System or Emotional Brain.)

The Pit is a painful, adverse, frightening, depressing experience that anyone would want to escape. Your dysfunctional way to escape (to assure safety, security and love) is people pleasing. This program is by now second nature. You used it in childhood to gain mother or father's approval and, by now, it is a longstanding way of life - a personality pattern. But now it fuels love addiction.

Gaining the prize - avoiding the pit and feeling in control by following the program - is enough to reward love addiction. The Pit is a painful; the people pleasing program provides relief. Following the program is rewarded by avoiding rejection and gaining praise and affection. This creates the Love Addiction cycle.

So, apparently I have another mental illness. I don't think its a bad thing to want to make people around you happy as long as you stay with my rule "cut your losses". I have given up on my dad because there is just no pleasing him. I love pleasing my mom. My sister, see dad.

I make people happy that make me happy.

Some random thing I saw on Comedy Central

Bo Burnham is probably one of the funniest guys I've ever seen on TV. Not Jeff Dunham funny, like David Sedaris funny.

He has a rap song. Rant. Here are the lyrics:

All the seats at the sunday masses,
Filled with the mass's massive asses,
Classes pass as fast as molasses.
Ceremonial reading glasses.
Read a little bit of leviticus.
All the kids are a little too little for this.
All the parents nod in agreement -
"I think I can vaguely see what he meant."
It's too early in the morning glory
To read another allegory story,
The father, reads a little bit farther,
Assuring the assured that they need not bother
"when god, in verse 45, said the slaves are okay to buy,
He meant that people, all from the start
Each have slaves within their hearts.
Things, that we have sold or boughten, that are forced to pick our moral cotton
God calls us to set these free, free our hearts from slavery...
And then as god goes on to explain the logistics of buying and selling slaves..."

In the back, I sit and I nod to the beats that are bumpin from my ipod
My god, they're starting to pray
And over the music I can hear them say
"dear god, dear lord, dear vague muscular man with a beard or a sword.
Dear good all-seeing being, my way or the highway yahweh.
The blue-balled anti-masturbator, the great, all-loving faggot hater,
I'd like to thank your holy might for making me both rich and white
And though this is your day of rest, I come to you with one request
There's so much pain beyond this steeple,
Wars and drugs and homeless people.
Sadness, where there should be joy, hate and rape and soulja boy.
A world in darkness needs your light, so I'm sure your schedule's pretty tight
But my dog just had leg surgery if you could fix that first...

Debra messing's fingers in a holy place, "hail mary full of grace."


Obama, could you pass some hope to the pope
I know a couple dude's who wanna elope
See the church said, "nope" so the bros can't cope.
(The bros can grope but the bros can't cope)
They've been in love, they've been addicted
Who said they shouldn't? benedict did.
Cause in the holy land of the lord he's the holy landlord and dicks are evicted.
Cause you can be a benedict if you've been a dick under benedict but
You can't have benedicts because there's only one pope and only one dick
What? a dick on a pope is
Just like a soap on a rope cause it's
Pointless, unless in prison, throw up your bibles, christ has risen.
Hallelujah, now it's raining men,
Because the gender ratio is 1 to 10.
Winos at the eucharist station, trans-gendered-substantiation
Jesus wasn't the messiah, get back I'm a heretic and I'm on fire
It was oedipus, and those holy nights
The holy motherfucking christ.
I'm a blasphemah post-katrina cruising the marina. on a crusade to cruise aids
And blast FEMA
You're too late, we're fucked we don't need ya.

In the name of the father, son and holy ghost
Head, shoulders, knees and toes
Turn up your nose, strike that pose.
HEY MACARENA!

Brilliant.

Daddy is going to kill me!

OK, I've done a few things this past month that have been testing in many ways, physically, mentally, and some situations just WTF?!?!?!

I have to start at Christmas eve, my sister and I went drinking, I met a guy, we went to his friend's house with another friend. WE DROVE TO KENYA, OR EGYPT, it was bloody far! Not really, but if there was a turn, we took all of them. Anyway, had loads of laughs, was very drunk, and the guy actually has personality.

I think I'm past the "I like the guy" phase, I won't ever let myself get lost again. What do I mean? I mean, I am not in control when I feel feelings.

Cold-hearted-B!%$#

OK, then... Went home with him, and then went home, and I did not have my house keys, I wrote this in the previous blog, by the way... I climbed onto our fence, after realizing that the bell doesn't work, the electric fencing's alarm doesn't want to ALARM!!! and I don't have enough money on my phone to phone a friend. I climbed onto our wall, still being drunk as a skunk, and then it hit me. And it hit me again, so, I moved, and the bugger hit me again. Apparently our front fence's wires are disconnected, the ones on the side work perfectly. I, disappointingly, ran out of courage, due to the fact that I hadn't eaten in 12 hours, I was drunk, and at mid day the sun is quite bright, to jump into our yard. No, I stood there, actually, jived, as the clicking sounds of electricity kicked me back into reality, and I realized I could die if I jump. So I got back down, and texted my daddy.

My sister looked worse than I did.

I still have bruises.

Right, my next adventure started of on New Years eve. I paid for one drink, I had about 30 in total. Went back to my Christmas Eve one-night-stand, I was to drunk to talk, and he can't even remember New Years eve, but nothing happened. I ended up kissing the owner of a well-known club in Pretoria, sadly there were witnesses, and later that night I witnessed a "crime" (seriously, it was a guy that fell onto a paved road, because some troglodyte smacked him into it) and then the police harassed the victim. I wrestled the cop, his partner wrestled me, and my friends got the partner off of me. I had a big thumb print on my arm... Its gone now...

I don't know how my legs are still bruised?

So, I made friends with the cops.



And what you see happened on 17 January, Charlie from Keep it Real did it. I love it! Love it! Looooooooooooooooooove it!

Only some of my friends and my sister know. Parents no-no. My dad and I have a few problems, we always will, but I don't want this to be an issue, but I want the tattoo. Did it hurt? Only the top two lines, it actually tickled, it was right on my tickle spot. There are two funny lines I will remember from Charlie.

1. "Why can't I have nice things?"
2. "I'm glad to see you're human."

I might go to hell though. I am beginning to become trouble, or I'm just rebelling a bit late. But I make life easier for myself!

Oh, and my mom told me something that I've wanted to say to her for years now!!!! "You should hear the way he talks to me, I'd rather be at work". I know how he talks to her, and I brain slap him every time. Sometimes I even have a knife or a gun, just as a threat, not going in for the kill.

I wish I had a camera crew follow me around like a reality TV series. The stuff I get into these days.

Every time I want to drink now, I just think of one night. A friend came home with me, I couldn't get rid of him, and he tried to get kinky. I have the perfect advice out of experience. Pretend to throw up. Stand in the bathroom, close the door, and ROAR! Works like a charm.

I do not want to end up in that situation again.

NEVER.

I need to write more often. Hope whoever read this enjoyed it.

Another Short One

Slept all day.

Went to bed at 06:00.

Watched a lot of movies.

Ate.

Watched TV.

Ate.

Got bored.

Started scrap booking.

American memories.

Did six pages.

Ran out of glue.

Got bored.

Gave the dog a bath.

Looked like an orphan.

Did the dishes.

Slept.

TV.

Slept.

Ate.

Started this post.

Had a merry Christmas.

Slept all day.

Had a fun Christmas eve.

Got a bite mark ;)

Was drunk.

Was breathtaking.

Got locked out of the house.

Tried to climb over the wall.

Bell wasn't working.

Got electrocuted.

Got bruised.

Electrocuted again.

Got stabbed by the fence.

SMSed my sister.

SMSed her again.

Lost my temper.

Ate MacDonald's.

SMSed my dad.

My sister woke up.

Never leaving the house without my keys again.

Went for dinner last night.

Yum yum.

Prawns, calamari, and squid heads.

My friend went with.

Stuffed.

Took garlic butter take-away.

Still feel stuffed.

Need to write here more often.

Need to apply for a job.

Got my certificates.

Three distinctions.

Need to quit this job again.

Found love.

Ex.

Fake love.

Good times.

Went on holiday together.

Had to save birds from bricks.

Stew.

Had to save my self from flip-flops.

Hurts like hell.

Self defense.

Hand marks all over his back, arms, legs, and torso.

Funny as hell.

Couldn't sleep.

Too hot.

Fell asleep.

Got woken up.

"Are you going to sleep the whole day?"

Happened again.

Went to the dam.

Made jokes.

Was lying on the back seat of my car.

No tents?!?!?!

He fell asleep.

Front seat is uncomfortable.

Shifted around.

Smoked a cigarette.

Moved stuff around me.

Smoked another cigarette.

Fell asleep.

Got tickled.

"Why did you leave me?"

"You looked comfortable...

I fell off."

Drove to buy beer, worms, and juice.

Went to work.

Should have stayed home.

Sleep.

Good, healthy, sleep.

Have to work tomorrow.

Saving up.

Tattoo.

Smiley face.

William Shakespeare.

Merchant of Venice.

If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?

From another movie.

The Pianist.

World War II.

Fubar.

Real German is Furchtbar.

Terrible.

Saving Private Ryan.

"We're in business."

I want a business.

So does my friend.

We have ideas.

Need money first.

Need lots of things.

Need or want?

Not the same.

I want what I need.

I don't always need what I want.

That is what dreams are made of.

Created my OWN quote.

"If you push me I will resist, if you lead me I will follow."

Daddy issues.

Saying goodbye doesn't mean anything. It's the time we spent together that matters, not how we left it. - Trey Parker

Pugnacitas

The desire to fight.

I've become fed-up with a lot of things in this country of mine. Corruption, fraud, extortion, racism, and now, the secrecy bill, along with mass murders, rape, armed robbery, theft, and illiteracy along with being uneducated.

There is so much that our government can do for us, but seize from doing either through corrupt activities, or laziness, or just out of incompetence.

I watched "The Baader Meinhof Complex" a few weeks ago, and it made me think, although I'll never go through with it, that starting a terrorist organization isn't such a bad idea.

Ulrike Meinhof said:

Protest is when I say this does not please me.
Resistance is when I ensure what does not please me occurs no more.

Protests are occurring all over South Africa for numerous reasons. And its not really changing anything. Maybe its because we dance in public to show how unhappy we are. It sounds really intimidating, doesn't it?

And then we have our uneducated, illiterate municipal workers that want more pay for cleaning our streets and taking away our garbage by, GET THIS, throwing out all the trash in the streets they need to clean. I think a nice solution for this problem is to have people who want to work stand in line, like you see in old movies about the Great Depression in America, and give the people a days work, after working, they receive money. There is no job security in it, but at least you get people that want to work instead of begging all over the city. If they aren't pleased with the pay, they won't show up for work. Problem solved.

Our stupid Secrecy Bill (The Protection of Information Bill 6 of 2010), is the biggest Nazi scandal since the second world war, and if the ANC stays in command, we will become Zimbabwe, Kenya, Democratic Republic of Congo, and all the other godforsaken countries of Africa.

The Protection of Information Bill states:

To provide for the protection of certain information from destruction, loss or unlawful disclosure; to regulate the manner in which information may be protected; to repeal the Protection of Information Act, 1982; and to provide for matters connected therewith.

PREAMBLE

RECOGNISING the importance of information to the national security, territorial integrity and well-being of the Republic;

ACKNOWLEDGING the harm of excessive secrecy;

AFFIRMING the constitutional framework for the protection and regulation of access to information;

DESIRING to put the protection of information within a transparent and sustainable legislative framework;

AIMING to promote the free flow of information within an open and democratic society without compromising the security of the Republic,

If you read closely, all of the sentences contradict each other...

It starts small, just like Robert Mugabe did in Zimbabwe, you change a law here, you change a rule there, you do the hokey pokey, and voilà! You stay president for 24 years. Africa is in dire need of an intervention, citizens have started rising up against their dictators, and more of these uprisings will happen, hopefully sooner than later.

I will rather fight for political freedom, than be oppressed for the rest of my living years and have my offspring suffer the same treatment.

I read another interesting article a while back...

South Africa is the only country in the world where affirmative action is in the favour of the majority who has complete political control. The fact that the political majority requires affirmative action to protect them against a 9% minority group is testament to a complete failure on their part to build their own wealth making structures, such that their only solution is to take it from others.

-

Was changing the names of cities, streets, airports, buildings, etc. really worth it? Making it impossible for white people to get jobs in this country, because most positions offered at companies are BEE positions. I'm not crying "poor white man", but if they want us to be equal, why not be equal and leave the past where it belongs, in history books. They say we are racist, we say they are. Fact of the matter is, we're all unhappy. We live in a beautiful country, and we are being punished for what old politicians did to this country. And with punishment, we're being extorted.

About a month ago, Jacob Zuma went to the United States to attend the United Nations General Assembly, but because the Presidential jet was undergoing a service, government HAD TO pay R6.3-million to get President Zuma to his destination.

Around R3.7-million was spent on the aircraft and crew, while the bill for fuel and handling was R2.6-million.

If you were President, what would you spend R6.3-million on?

I know all of this wasn't very well structured, but I am impulsive...

An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth, pretty soon we will all be speechless blind people...

Losing friends

Throughout life we make friends, we burn down bridges and then fix them again. I've always had good relationships with all my friends, even though I don't see most of them very often.

Tonight I went out with an old friend, we've been friends since 2002. We talked and talked and shared a lot of secrets, we always do. Then we came home and talked some more, and then it came down to religion. I'm agnostic, he's a strong believing Christian.

He asked me if it makes me a better person if I don't believe in Jesus, and I replied no, and it won't make me a better person if I believe in Jesus. I am who I am.

He started preaching that I need to get my head straight. I've been working on it for 2 years now, my head is as straight as its going to get.

I told him about my involvement with Mormonism, showed him the famous banned Mormon cartoon, and then I told him about coming back to South Africa and realizing that Christianity is also flawed, and that I can't believe in people's mistakes. I believe in a higher being, not the flying spaghetti monster, or Elohim, or Jesus that did miracles that differs from each book.



He removed himself from the conversation and went home.

My closing statement: "I'm not evil, I'm not the anti-Christ, and I know what I believe in and who I am."

The world is so much bigger, with a lot more explanations, with religions that have a lot in common. I don't believe in a single religion, and if I had to, it would probably be Hermetic Qabalah.

Joys of being a waitress

I've been a waitress since the age of 17, I'm 24. I've done other things as well, but I've been a waitress the majority of my working life.

I don't particularly enjoy it, but I have nice moments, like today. Huge tips on small bills make me happy, coming home with 25% tips and finding out that my shift pay was paid in today makes me happy. Money can't buy happiness, but getting money for doing the minimal is worth my time.

Now, not everyone can provide a service such as waiting, so, I am special in my own way. There are horrible waiters in every restaurant, they get your orders wrong, they don't smile or try to be friendly in any way, they might even be rude, and they are definitely slower than cancer.

I on the other hand smile, and chat, and make jokes, and I'm fast. Now and then I do forget a few small things like straws or extra napkins, but I don't get orders wrong, I have a talent of memorizing everything, and I sincerely care about what is served to customers.

Then on the other hand, if you're going to be cocky or rude or arrogant, don't expect anything from me, except if you're friends with the owners. I won't care if you wait for your drinks, I'll smoke an extra cigarette, just so you won't be able to find me to place another order, because I know you've never been a waiter, you haven't served anyone in return for tips, you don't know how a restaurant works, and maybe... Just maybe... YOU SHOULD HAVE ORDERED IN!

My rule is: "If you're not going to pay for service, don't ask for it."


If you've waited, you know what a sad moment is if you have a large table, a huge bill, and a lousy tip. That's the reason people spit in your food.

The funniest is if a customer thinks everyone knows what he's drinking. This particular customer is the poster child of naivety. He will hand you an empty glass and say "can you get me another one?". No I can't. Do I look psychic? The ice has melted away the last bit of aroma and I can't even smell what was in that glass...

Idiots.

My favorite one is: "I want a steak and chips."

We serve rump, sirloin, and T-bones. They come in different sizes. Then there are six different levels of having them done, most commonly MEDIUM.

Is it that hard to order steak?

Here's another one, a huge reason why I have a limited amount of female friends. Most girls are irritating. They order brandy and coke, you take it to them and then they ask: "Can we have straws please?"

Sure, I'll walk all the way back to the bar, get two useless, plastic straws and watch you destroy the environment. Why do I say destroy the environment? They use one straw only once, because with the next round of drinks they want new straws.

Another reason I don't like this:

SOUTH AFRICANS DON'T DRINK BRANDY AND COKE WITH F-ING STRAWS.

I like it when people order weird drinks though, like double tequila and lime on the rocks. Or instead of a jagerbomb, they drink banana liqueur with creme soda.

I hate it when people ask what our cheapest shot is. Really? Think of something you like and order it. Easy. I also hate it when people ask what shots we have. My answer: "A lot." And no, I'm not going to stand there and name all of them. If you want a parrot, buy one, don't go places to make people say stupid stuff.

Bottom line is, my children WILL be waiters one day to make sure they get common sense which should actually be more common.

Lust for life

My sister almost got high jacked a few days ago. She drove away, balls of steel. It made me think, because she was extremely traumatized afterwards, I think I would have done the same.

I have a bucket list, it contains things like bungee jumping, getting a tattoo, traveling the world, and weirder things like learning how to shoot with a rifle, getting tick fever, overcoming some horrible disease, and surviving a car accident.

Some things, once again, make me appreciate life a little bit more, and it makes me want to plan a better life for myself.

Recently I started cycling, I look ridiculous doing it, my balance is off, and I'm not that good at it, but it's a start to a better life.

My dad's cholesterol is normal for the first time in 16 years, mine has gone up to 5.4, and it has to be below 4.9. Oops.

Getting back on topic, I was thinking about trainspotting, how a guy changed his life around and made the best of himself... Almost...

Anyway, at the beginning of the move (or the end, i forget) Rent says:

Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family.
Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars,
compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good
health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed
interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your
friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a
three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics.
Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning.
Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing
game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose
rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable
home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up
brats you spawned to replace yourself.

Choose your future.

Choose life.

I'm going to have a wonderful life with work related stress, financial problems, car problems, house problems, and struggle with health for the rest of my life whilst trying to keep relationships in order, and trying to find myself till the day I die. I don't know where I'll see myself in ten years, I don't know that I will drive away when someone tries to high jack me. I want hobbies, and dinner parties with fancy entrees and delightful deserts, maybe start a small business, but definitely have enough to provide for my family. I hope that I will be successful in my career, and with raising children, and I really hope that I will make a difference in this world, a major one.

I don't want to be famous, I want to have a name.

Troy

The story, the real story, of Troy is all about love, deceit, and jealousy. The love for Helen of Troy caused a whole city to be brought down.

Recently, I had a thing with my first love again. It wasn't a mistake, it just put my life into perspective. I can do better. I need someone better. I wrote him the last letter I will ever write to him. Short and sweet, I wish him the best of luck, and we're not part of each other's futures.

I haven't given it to him, its not time yet.

We've hurt each other in the past. He can't burn me down anymore, but there is no point in staying in touch, except for the fact that he can fix my car.

Cutting my losses is all what life is about now.

Building up my future is the beginning of my dreams.

I applied for the Metro Police, this is my third application. If that doesn't work, I'll be going to the best forensic investigative company in the country. Win-win.

Then, I'll get a house, get friends to live with me to pay it off, and then soon, buy a second house. Get a car, get furniture, maybe start a business on the side...

Travel, go see my friends and family in Europe.

My biggest obstacle right now is my fitness, its been a year and a half and I still haven't done right. The past two weeks I've pushed myself to the limits, we'll see if it pays off in two weeks.

I wrote a letter to myself as well, and I promised the world to myself.

LOL.

All in the mind, but I'm going to build up my own empire. And I'm going to get myself everything I want and need.

And somewhere along the line, I need to find out exactly who I am and what I am capable of.

This life is going to be worth it.

Short and sweet.

Ok, I got a new job, been there for a few months now, my last assignments have been handed in, time to study now... Tests in October.

The stalker guy owes me money, and I will hunt him down, again... Found him a few weeks ago, and its "my fault". I won't elaborate, I'll just work myself up and won't be able to sleep.

My daddy turned 60!!!!

I bought mommy books for her birthday and she's still reading, she loves Wilbur Smith.

Got a new someone. Over it.

Thinking of a new someone... We'll see.

Started quite a few arguments the past few weeks over religion.

Applied for a job for next year at Nexis Forensics, have to get my certificates first.

Thinking of moving out again.

Thinking of doing a lot of things.

Want to travel.

UK.

Got diagnosed with Right Bundle Branch Block.

Misdiagnosed.

Have to lose weight and get fit.

Got a Blackberry.

Haven't activated BBM.

Need to.

Made new friends.

Made new enemies.

I don't have to like everyone.

Stressed.

But I don't care.



Tired.

Going to bed.