Joys of being a waitress

I've been a waitress since the age of 17, I'm 24. I've done other things as well, but I've been a waitress the majority of my working life.

I don't particularly enjoy it, but I have nice moments, like today. Huge tips on small bills make me happy, coming home with 25% tips and finding out that my shift pay was paid in today makes me happy. Money can't buy happiness, but getting money for doing the minimal is worth my time.

Now, not everyone can provide a service such as waiting, so, I am special in my own way. There are horrible waiters in every restaurant, they get your orders wrong, they don't smile or try to be friendly in any way, they might even be rude, and they are definitely slower than cancer.

I on the other hand smile, and chat, and make jokes, and I'm fast. Now and then I do forget a few small things like straws or extra napkins, but I don't get orders wrong, I have a talent of memorizing everything, and I sincerely care about what is served to customers.

Then on the other hand, if you're going to be cocky or rude or arrogant, don't expect anything from me, except if you're friends with the owners. I won't care if you wait for your drinks, I'll smoke an extra cigarette, just so you won't be able to find me to place another order, because I know you've never been a waiter, you haven't served anyone in return for tips, you don't know how a restaurant works, and maybe... Just maybe... YOU SHOULD HAVE ORDERED IN!

My rule is: "If you're not going to pay for service, don't ask for it."


If you've waited, you know what a sad moment is if you have a large table, a huge bill, and a lousy tip. That's the reason people spit in your food.

The funniest is if a customer thinks everyone knows what he's drinking. This particular customer is the poster child of naivety. He will hand you an empty glass and say "can you get me another one?". No I can't. Do I look psychic? The ice has melted away the last bit of aroma and I can't even smell what was in that glass...

Idiots.

My favorite one is: "I want a steak and chips."

We serve rump, sirloin, and T-bones. They come in different sizes. Then there are six different levels of having them done, most commonly MEDIUM.

Is it that hard to order steak?

Here's another one, a huge reason why I have a limited amount of female friends. Most girls are irritating. They order brandy and coke, you take it to them and then they ask: "Can we have straws please?"

Sure, I'll walk all the way back to the bar, get two useless, plastic straws and watch you destroy the environment. Why do I say destroy the environment? They use one straw only once, because with the next round of drinks they want new straws.

Another reason I don't like this:

SOUTH AFRICANS DON'T DRINK BRANDY AND COKE WITH F-ING STRAWS.

I like it when people order weird drinks though, like double tequila and lime on the rocks. Or instead of a jagerbomb, they drink banana liqueur with creme soda.

I hate it when people ask what our cheapest shot is. Really? Think of something you like and order it. Easy. I also hate it when people ask what shots we have. My answer: "A lot." And no, I'm not going to stand there and name all of them. If you want a parrot, buy one, don't go places to make people say stupid stuff.

Bottom line is, my children WILL be waiters one day to make sure they get common sense which should actually be more common.