Well then... Now that business has been dealt with, let's get to the blog.
Its only June now, but it feels that this year is taking years. Mainly because I have been working on myself, I am going towards the future, and I am completely over my past.
Before I start confessing, please bare in mind that I am extremely naive, and well, dumb as shit sometimes.
In 2001 I met my first love. We we're each other's firsts in everything, except for kissing on my side. I have mentioned him in quite a few blogs, but never really the details of this forbidden relationship.
Our parents banned us from seeing each other, because we were bad influences on each other. Now, back then I thought my dad was bat shit crazy for believing this, but now, 11 years later, I'm a believer.
I used to sneak out of the house about three or four times a week, just to sneak into his house and spend a few hours with him. This is probably the reason why I wasn't a straight A student. I never slept! And maybe the fact that I am way to lazy to actually study.
Risking my life to go to his house in the middle of the night, and then walking back, I actually shutter to think what could have happened. But, I am extremely lucky in life, not love though.
He got a new girlfriend in 2005, my final year of high school. Whenever him and the woman, now wife, had a fight, I was back in his life. As soon as things got better between them, I was "clingy", along with "it didn't mean anything to me" and "I never liked you that much anyway".
Needless to say, I bumped my head on that rock a few hundred times, because I believed in miracles... Since he came along... That sexy thing...
Stop singing.
Then I went to the USA, I thought I was over him, but no... I came back after 16 months and my childlike mentality went back to true love and kissing a frog or sleeping in a tall tall tower or something. And there I was, back to square one. Back to checking my phone every hour to see if he needed me. Manipulating him. Asking him over and over and over "Do you love me?" He eventually caved in and started talking about moving in together, ignoring our parents requests, and our parents too, because both of our parents would have killed us and hid the evidence or hired someone to do it. Well, as you can guess, he started with his old tricks too. He kicked his wife out of the house, I got a set of house keys, and then one day that big old emotion security walls come back up and took the keys back. Oh, the kicker, "she said she loved me". But, last year, they slept together once, and then she moved into the spare bedroom. I asked him about the affection behind the words. Did she touch his hand or arm? Did she hug him? Did she kiss him? Answer is D, none of the above.
I know I can be heartless, but if I'm going to tell my husband that I want him back and that I love him, I would most probably sleep with him. You know, the old tale of make up sex.
Hate to say I told him so, but I basically screamed at him. He was an idiot! What the feathers was he thinking?
My reasons for screaming is justified. She bullied him into marrying her, he is easily manipulated. She also cheats on him constantly, and the facts are, she had an affair with someone at work, she is constantly on chat sites and internet dating services, and to keep up with all the men, she has EIGHT cell phone contracts, and uses EIGHT cell phones everyday. Now, if any men are reading this, women can do more than one thing at a time. Me being jealous also might have played a role in the argument. And then lastly, I am not making this stuff up, he is sterile. Yet, she gave birth to a boy. My ex love went for fertility treatments for two years, and the doctors still say that he shoots blanks.
So, I was out of the picture again, until a few weeks ago when I was on holiday in the bush. He phoned me and demanded me to go to the dam. But, alas, it was a two hour drive and he phoned me at 23:00. Hell will freeze over before I jump that high for any man. So, I told him I was coming back in two days time, and we should go out. I eventually went home, called him up, and he couldn't go, because his wife was home.
So, again, I freaked out a tad. I have been jumping for that guy for ELEVEN years now. Jumping, bending, lying, crying, stalking, phoning, remembering, and loving this guy for ELEVEN years. And it didn't mean anything to him, because he is an alcoholic, and he was drunk every time that I sneaked out to his house. He only remembers about ten times that I sneaked out to his house. TEN! Meanwhile, back on planet earth, I did it for three years, as much as I possibly could. If you don't know or remember something, it doesn't mean anything.
I told him "Delete my number. Have a good night".
Fast forward to a few hours ago. I get a phone call from him. He kicked his wife out of the house, because she is pregnant again, and they haven't slept together since before she moved back home last year. To be accurate, they haven't slept together in a year and a half. The same thing happened to him with the first pregnancy.
So, although I've already closed this chapter in my life, I wanted to make sure. I had to know if I made the right choice. The "what if?" was bothering me since I told him to delete my number.
I went there tonight, I wasn't excited to see him. I talked to him, but in the same way I talk to guys that like me, and I don't like them back. We talked about ourselves, things we've seen, experienced since last year. I couldn't be there. I just wanted to leave. But I had to tell him. I really had to tell him. He waited to long for me, and I don't feel anything for him anymore. And I broke his heart.
He still feels something for me. But I don't want it.
Rewind to last time again, when I was in the bush. I told him that I was happy his wife doesn't love him, she loves someone else, and nothing he does or says will make her change her mind. When you do everything for a person, and that person is your everything, and all your love goes to that person, and whatever you do in your life, you do for that person, and it doesn't mean anything to that person... That was me. And now its him. And I am happy that he gets to be in my shoes, and feel how lonely and helpless I was when he left me for her.
I didn't deserve it.
He wasn't meant for me. He was meant for someone else. I was meant for someone else.
I deserve better.
At his house tonight, he kept on asking me just to lie with him, he wanted someone to hold. Well, that's why I fake vomiting to get rid of guys. I said no. Then I said no again. Then I raised my voice. Then, I turned around, packed up my handbag, went to the loo, and got my stuff into the car. I went back to get him to open the gate, and there he was, cuddled into his bed, the way I liked him most... Cuddling was our thing. He was begging me to stay, just lie for a bit, or sleep over. I got sick of it, I told him to get his shit together, stand up, and open the fucking gate. I know desperation when I see it. That was me. I couldn't tell the difference between his present and my past.
I hugged him and said good night.
I always end with "See you!", but not this time. I won't see him again.
I drove home, and as fate would have it, a sad song played. Not just any sad song...
Here's the lyrics:
When your day is long and the night
The night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go
Everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
Everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends.
Everybody hurts
Don't throw your hand. Oh, no
Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes
So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
(Hold on, hold on)
Everybody hurts
You are not alone
And then I surprised myself. I laughed, as I sang along, smiling all the way, I was relieved. I was happy. But not any happy, like, inner peace happy. It took me ELEVEN years to say no. It took me ELEVEN years to look at myself in the mirror and realize that I am a broken person, and I need glue. I don't need another broken person, we're just going to break each other more. I need glue. Actually, I need to become glue, and find another glue, and stick together.
I am trying.
I want to be better.
I'm not bad, but I'm not great.
Monday is the start of my 12 week diet plan, and my 9 week exercise plan. And I really want to start a company.
I am lifting my chin, pushing out my chest, pulling in my stomach, and marching right towards my happiness.
I think this every year, but this year I know for a fact, I am changing for good, and this is the year to remember.
Oh, one last thing... 2012 as in 20/12/2012... This is the last year for the next 83 years that we will have numbers of the year and month/day being the same.
MAKE IT COUNT!
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