Self discovery

Well, once again I'm loveless. But this time I'm seeing the bigger picture, which is surprisingly more rewarding than being in a relationship right now.

I feel like I'm a lucky charm for guys, once they kiss me, they find a new love. Its disgusting.

Moving on... Work is fun and frustrating. The fun part being, drunk people are flipping funny, the frustration comes from an incompetent manager that thinks I can't survive without her. She is highly intelligent, but slower than cancer, and her fuse is shorter than the hair at the top of my head at this moment.

I cut my hair, or actually, one of my best friends, if not my best friend, cut my hair. Its short at the back, and then gets longer to the front. Just like Valentine's hair in Doomsday. Another fictional character I wish I could be.

And then I can't stop thinking about what the palm reader said... I have a negative aura. I'm honestly starting to believe that I am on a path of self-destruction. I'm no good at love, relationships, studying, exercising, or just having a normal schedule to live by. I've never been normal, nor do I think I'll ever be, but I at least want it to say I'm normal on my paper work.

My dad and I were watching a show on Television about Bi-polar disorder. And I know I am bipolar. I'm self-conscious, I always think the worst in situations, I'm emotionally sensitive when it comes to people's behaviour towards me, and I get my ups and downs worse than other people. That is bipolar, isn't it? My dad doesn't seem to think I am, but apparently he is?!?!?

ME = DAD

We are the same. I see myself become more and more like my dad every day.

Except for the fact that I don't believe in religion anymore. Which just makes my curiosity grow towards Wicca. Its the oldest religion in the world. And as far as I know, there are no bibles in Wicca. But I like the idea of "no harm". I did the Wicca thing for a little while back in high school, and I liked it, so, maybe just for shits and giggles I should do it again.

Oh, and I started running, I can't do it for long, but I love it to death. I miss that feeling of running far and feeling good... And free. Bicycles don't give you that feeling, neither does walking, or sleeping for long hours.

I do sleep a lot these days, never less than 10 hours, and lately I've been getting weird dreams, such as mermaids, and flying. Apparently only children get flying dreams, but I still have them, and I still dream about my kids in Idaho. Its eating me up inside that I don't have children yet. I don't care much for babies, but from when they can walk and talk, I'm all in.

I want to go nanny again, maybe in Germany, or anywhere in Europe for that matter, but I don't want to leave home again, or be depressed and frustrated because of incompetent parents who don't care much for their children, so, the logical thing to do is wait to have children of my own.

I should get a hobby...