Alpha

Right, here I go...

Now, where to start?

The beginning? Too long ago. Hmmmmm. Makes me wonder what I've done in my life. I finished High School, worked as a paintball marshal, worked at a bank, got sick of my dad and South Africa, went to USA as an Au Pair, back home now, and made the same mistake. I'm working for a woman that treats me like a slave, I run HER house, look after HER kids (that was all I was supposed to do), and I'm basically sacrificing myself for her.

If you haven't realised this, I'm mad at myself. Grrrrrrr! OK, this woman,is driving me up the wall, and I partially blame myself. I let her walk over me, so, maybe I should grow a pair... I, as her Au Pair, have organised her telephone lines (3.5 hours in my life I'll never get back), her security system, house keys, cleaning lady recruitment, gardener recruitment, paying bills, mailing her mail, checking her mail, medical appointments, medical appointment for the cleaner, registration, driving the kids, driving the cleaner, grocery shopping, appliance shopping, returning goods, and children's school registration, books, the covering of books, the signing up for extra activities, and yet... She is disappointed. Makes me want to ask why she has a life in the first place, seeing that I'm the one living it!

Anyway, needless to say, I'm quitting.

The good thing in my life right now is that my parents are supporting me, and WOW! Now I feel like a real winner! Well, as gracious as they are, I would love to support myself and be completely independent. My daddy is going to pay for University though, then I can follow in his footsteps, which I actually adore. He is a forensic investigator, but not the CSI kind, the fraud kind. That is exactly what I want to do. I wanted to be a police officer, but here where I live, it's not worth it. Be a defender of the innocent. LOL!

I am starting classes in Forensic Auditing, and Anti-Corruption in a few months, the first time in 5 years I'll be studying, and I can't wait! It's going to be hard work, but extremely interesting and very educating for my future career, wherever that is.

But right now, although I'm back home, it feels like I've lost all my friends. They're all growing up, dating, getting married, having children, moving out of the house, and all of them seem to be bankrupt. They never phone, and when I phone to go out, they don't have money. But never would anyone ask if I want to come have coffee at their house and watch a DVD or have a poker night or just sit and talk about how sad our lives are. I am here, yet I miss my "click".

Then there is always the religious and politician talks I so love. And I'm not being sarcastic, I truly love talking about those two. Well, in my travels in the USA I came upon some Mormons/ LDS-folk. Yes, I am that gullible, and yes, I believed in all that. I actually just received an e-mail from my new Bishop, welcoming me to the community. I replied: "Sorry, I'm an anti-Mormon now". I think I'm so funny when I say things like that, offensive as it is, I'm mad at them.

I do have a lot of issues, and this is a very angry part of my life, but the sun will come out tomorrow... Or the day after that...

Well, I was an Au Pair for a family in Idaho. A Mormon family. At the time I was incredibly desperate to get in touch with God again. They said that they we're Christians, and so, Sunday came and we went to church for THREE HOURS! I was introduced to the missionaries, and for the next 7 weeks, they came every Thursday night, preaching their gospel. I fell for a lot of things, stupid things, Jesus came to America, God and Jesus appeared to Joseph Smith, JS wrote from golden plates, Jewish people went to America, Moroni turned into an angel, and then the temple ordinances and the pre-existence...

I have a lot to say about what I believe in now, and even more in what I do not believe in, or ever will.

I am grateful for the Mormons, I know my Bible better than I ever have.

What was my turning point? Prophecies, false prophecies. After getting baptised into the church, they told me that I know possessed the power to prophesies about me and my family. LOL, if you know how bipolar I really am, you wouldn't say things like that. Prophecies can come to you in a dream. My dreams, 90% of the time, include me killing someone, being killed, hunting someone, being hunted, close friends being killed, family being killed, war, sex, driving fast, being surrounded by people who want to "get me", being trapped, and my favourite part: lots of weapons.

So, if I were to prophesies, it wouldn't end well. The other thing that really tickled my gut was when they said the Holy Spirit can only be in one place at once. To be honest, I felt their spirit, the burning in the bosom, the flame in my heart, the spirit entered me, and I felt its strength. When I found out about the church not being true, I got scared, and as you can see by my dreams (I don't call them nightmares), I don't get scared that often. I felt guilty, misled, and angry. Mostly angry. I went onto the Internet and read and watched as much anti-Mormon documents and videos I could find. Searching for more and more, everyday. I became addicted, and still am, to anti-Mormon doctrine. Funny enough, the most anti-Mormon doctrine is actually Mormon doctrine. I know more than the average Mormon about their own religion, and that should scare the Mormons. If you believe in something that you don't know, what do you believe in? If you believe that a feeling is true, how many times have you been misled?

I hold on to the Bible, which can make me a fool too, but at least the book I hold on to has archaeological, and historical proof. Some things sound extremely weird and make me question my beliefs. Example:

Job 39:9-12 (King James Version)

9Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib?

10Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? or will he harrow the valleys after thee?

11Wilt thou trust him, because his strength is great? or wilt thou leave thy labour to him?

12Wilt thou believe him, that he will bring home thy seed, and gather it into thy barn?


Unicorn? I had to do some research, and I got to: http://www.answersingenesis.org/articles/aid/v2/n1/unicorns-in-bible

So, again, I believe it... Might be a translation difference, or a lie, but I still believe in the Bible. The Bible talks about dragons and talking snakes, etc. Is it possible? Is it impossible? What criticism is used to define possible? Science? Biology? Archeology? History? Common sense? How do we define a miracle? How is something a miracle, something that shouldn't have happened, or couldn't have, yet it has? I believe in small miracles. As angry and depressed as I am right now, small miracles like happiness don't even make sense to me.

My mom confronted me last week. She said that we needed to have a talk about how disrespectful and unfriendly I am towards people. I stopped her in her first sentence. Told her that I have an anger inside of me, it can come from a lot of places, but it won't go away, I don't know how to get rid of my anger. I've beaten the crap out of my pillows, screamed my lungs out in the car, tried to talk to myself, and I've talked to friends. I have prayed. And yet, I am what I am, I can not change. I do not want to let go of my fighting force inside of me, it gives me motivation and strength, although I let my employer walk all over me, my time, cellphone, car, and money.

Should I be this angry? I can't explain it though.

For now, I need to zzzzzzzzz. I have to go to the gym tomorrow, and then work (my other job), and then the dragon lady awaits. Oh, and then I have my own life, accounts, friendships, family, etc. to worry about. Life is hard.