Self discovery

Well, once again I'm loveless. But this time I'm seeing the bigger picture, which is surprisingly more rewarding than being in a relationship right now.

I feel like I'm a lucky charm for guys, once they kiss me, they find a new love. Its disgusting.

Moving on... Work is fun and frustrating. The fun part being, drunk people are flipping funny, the frustration comes from an incompetent manager that thinks I can't survive without her. She is highly intelligent, but slower than cancer, and her fuse is shorter than the hair at the top of my head at this moment.

I cut my hair, or actually, one of my best friends, if not my best friend, cut my hair. Its short at the back, and then gets longer to the front. Just like Valentine's hair in Doomsday. Another fictional character I wish I could be.

And then I can't stop thinking about what the palm reader said... I have a negative aura. I'm honestly starting to believe that I am on a path of self-destruction. I'm no good at love, relationships, studying, exercising, or just having a normal schedule to live by. I've never been normal, nor do I think I'll ever be, but I at least want it to say I'm normal on my paper work.

My dad and I were watching a show on Television about Bi-polar disorder. And I know I am bipolar. I'm self-conscious, I always think the worst in situations, I'm emotionally sensitive when it comes to people's behaviour towards me, and I get my ups and downs worse than other people. That is bipolar, isn't it? My dad doesn't seem to think I am, but apparently he is?!?!?

ME = DAD

We are the same. I see myself become more and more like my dad every day.

Except for the fact that I don't believe in religion anymore. Which just makes my curiosity grow towards Wicca. Its the oldest religion in the world. And as far as I know, there are no bibles in Wicca. But I like the idea of "no harm". I did the Wicca thing for a little while back in high school, and I liked it, so, maybe just for shits and giggles I should do it again.

Oh, and I started running, I can't do it for long, but I love it to death. I miss that feeling of running far and feeling good... And free. Bicycles don't give you that feeling, neither does walking, or sleeping for long hours.

I do sleep a lot these days, never less than 10 hours, and lately I've been getting weird dreams, such as mermaids, and flying. Apparently only children get flying dreams, but I still have them, and I still dream about my kids in Idaho. Its eating me up inside that I don't have children yet. I don't care much for babies, but from when they can walk and talk, I'm all in.

I want to go nanny again, maybe in Germany, or anywhere in Europe for that matter, but I don't want to leave home again, or be depressed and frustrated because of incompetent parents who don't care much for their children, so, the logical thing to do is wait to have children of my own.

I should get a hobby...

Palm Reading

I went to get my palms read by a gypsy. It was interesting. The first thing she said to me was that I was in a job that was going to get me nowhere. Which is true. She also mentioned that with my studies a lot of doors would open, like veins spreading. Which is also true.

Then it came to love. Apparently I'm in love with two guys, one who is a risk taker, the other a very stable person. She said the risk taker isn't a good choice, he would end up not going to work and therefore my money issues would become a huge issue, but the risk taker makes me happy. The more mature guy is the better choice, because he would be a long term investment, money wise...

That's not true... I'm not really interested in anyone at the moment. The guy that texted me, who I gave my number to, well... I'll see how that goes. Next week we have a date. Movie and then his house. Mmmmmm, hope it works out.

Then she said something that hit me right between the eyes. I have a negative aura. I believe that one. Although I'm very outgoing and I can't do anything without a smile upon my face, I am a pretty negative person. When it comes to love, money, family, and business... Yes, I am negative.

I can't see how many relationships work, because none of mine work out. Money isn't happiness, so I don't like it much, but it's something we can't live without. Family is all drama drama. Business and career, well, I've tried that, and I don't like it.

The Gypsy woman also said that my negative aura is controlling everything, and it can be seen in my money and relationships. My social life is declining. She wanted to sell me a lucky charm for R500, but I didn't have the money, nor did I want to spend that much money on a lucky charm.

It just made me wonder how palm reading works...

I paid R200 for a palm reading, and I actually wanted to spend another R400 on a Tarot card reading, but again, I only had R200 on me.

But Yay me! I'm going on a first date!

Long time... Long time...

Fingers crossed, no lucky charms, make-up, hair, and I need to shave and do my nails before then...

Hopefully Cupid does something for me again, its been a while, and I truly think I need someone.

Oh, and I got a new phone, Samsung B3310 NOX, and I love it. Makes me feel connected again...

Now I just need to connect...

As for my studies, I got all my results: 80%, 85%, 54%, 77%.

I am extremely upset about the 54%, but now I know where my weakness lies... And the fact that me and Daddy kind of had a fight about it just makes matters worse... My next assignments are due in a month, and I started working on it, but I'm not in the mood. I wish it would just all go away.

It reminds me of a long time ago... When I was in high school, I used to wake up at 4 am to start studying for my tests. I never did bad, I wasn't top of the class, but I always knew I could do better, and then two days ago I found a poster I had back then that says:

Every job is a self-portrait of the person who does it. Autograph your work with excellence.

Maybe I should just pull up my socks and do a bloody good job, but then again, its just going to get slaughtered by my dad, so, my work will always be questionable.

Soon, I'm going to start writing down all my memories before I forget those too... But there's one thing I heard in a song a long time ago, and it stuck to me:

You won't remember half the life you lived.

I plan to cherish those memories in my blog, and I need to find my late grandmother's poems and write them down too. Her poems were mostly about religion, and I think I want to give the church another chance.

There has to be a god. He has to have rules. And he most definitely has to care. But I don't think that any book ever written can capture him. I truly don't think that anyone knows him, and I most certainly don't think that he started any religions. Religion is about man and self improvement, and churches only make it seem like praise and worship.

As for Zeitgeist, it was a good movie, but its a load of hooha. I did research on the things they said about Christianity, and its a load of bull. None of the other "gods" lived the same life as Jesus, but that still doesn't mean that he existed. And the Bible is too faulty to believe it.

Where do I go from here?

Another Month Already?!?

It's July, and it feels like I've missed out on a few weeks of my life.

Wow! I have 5 months left to get fit enough to get into the police force so that they can make me fit. Am I the only one seeing the idiocracy behind it all? Why not let us in by an IQ test? And then get us fit... Then we wouldn't have the incompetence in the Service either.

Oh, and I missed work last night, or the night before... I really don't have a good understanding with time anymore.

Missed work...



LOL smiley face.

Mom and Dad came back from Australia. They bought presents! I took the Koala stuff, I like it better than Kangaroos. I got a fridge magnet, note book, rugby shirt, Aussie beanie, Aussie hat, koala towel, koala hand cream, jewelry, a coffee mug, warm clothes (as if we don't make those in South Africa), and that's about it... Oh, I almost forgot... I got an ashtray, its like a bottle, you put the cigarette but in the hole, and it dies within 2 seconds. And it keeps the smell inside... Cool.

That's all for now...