Nothing lasts

I was looking closely to my mom the other day and saw that she was developing a granny neck. Her skin is dropping below her chin, and all I could think of was "please don't die". Dying is, unfortunately, not something we can run from.

Life is extremely fragile, we see it every day. Death and dying just seem to surround our universe. That is also regarding everything, animals, plants, people, feelings, and of course brain cells.

Speaking of feelings, the new love I thought I found turned out to be a dead end.
Asshole.
I really tried to make an effort for a change, turns out I'm not really that good at romance anymore. And the fact that he actually had eyes for my other friend's crush also had a big effect on the matter.

So, I am back at staying focused on my studies, which of course got boring a long time ago. Writing down laws in my own words was not what I expected from this course. I am learning a lot, but I just think I can spend my time doing something better. The police service or army sounds like the greener pastures right now. And I think I'll look pretty sexy after I get fit and I am placed in a uniform.

Me, the fearless warrior woman. It makes me smile. I need to smile more.

The one thing that has made me laugh at myself was when I went to watch rugby, and I fell off a table. LOL! That might be it though, girls who sit on tables don't get men, as the old wives tales go...

I still do the community policing, which keeps me on my toes, and that really made me realize that policing is the profession I should go into. A Colonel asked me if I don't get scared, because I patrol alone, and honestly, it doesn't.

Fearing something, is actually wishing for it, but when you wish for something, you don't fear it.

When you get into your car and your afraid that you're going to get high-jacked, you are actually subconsciously wishing for it. Me on the other hand, I anticipate it, to me it is a given that something bad is going to happen, just because we live in such a sadistic world, and the statistics prove it. So, I kind of want something to happen, it makes life interesting, and it's always in the bad times that you see who your real friends are. That, and the fact that I love hospitals. 5 Star service, sleep as long as you want, breakfast, lunch, dinner, and tea times in bed, and then of course, people tending to your every need. The only thing I hate about hospitals are the showers, they've never seemed to please me.

But now, I'm home all the time, nothing to do except study, sleep, watch TV, and clean, because our maid quit.

I don't play Evony anymore... which I really really miss, but all my Internet friends quit, which is a shame, because we had some good times. I know... LOSER!

But they were my friends I made when I was in Idaho. They were my only friends, and I could talk to them about anything, even the infamous Mormons. But now I think back, after I've lost all communication with them, maybe I should have just pretended to be a true Mormon. If all luck struck me then, I could have gotten married in a temple, with secret rituals representing Free Mason religion rituals, and I would still have contact with my kids.

I still dream about them almost every night, and its been 5 months already. With that, I dreamt the other night that I was pregnant. I am not at all ready for children, but I can't seem to have a valuable life without them. But to have kids, I probably, by society's standards, need a husband first.

I made a deal with my one friend, that if we aren't married by 30, we'll marry each other. Just because I am not going to die alone. And I won't be able to afford a house on my own. And I am not going to live with my parents the rest of my life, given my dad probably won't make it another 20 years, he's almost 59 years old, he has high blood pressure, cholesterol, and every limb in his body needs repairing.

He just has to last long enough to walk me down the isle of a cathedral.

I decided, given that I have such a large family, we'll need a cathedral. I do not plan on having a small wedding, and also, it has to be anything but simple.

Big dreams, little time.

I'm getting old, and thinking about it, I haven't done anything significant with my life. Sure, I've worked since I was 16, travelled all across the country, been to the USA, and... That's about it... I really need to do something. I don't just want to live. I WANT TO LIVE!

I'm going to have to go try to get into the police service again. It seems that the closer I am to danger, the better I feel.

Let's go get killed!

(Just before someone reads this and thinks I'm suicidal, my shrinks say I'm not a danger to myself or society :P )