Falling into depression

I recently broke up with my boyfriend. This was a guy that I wanted to marry at one stage. This is the person responsible for giving me back the ability to love. He's happy now, and I'm not.

I broke up for the right reasons, I wasn't happy, I was depressed, and I wasn't going to waste our time on a dead-end relationship.

I am empty now. My friends are suffocating me with love, love which I need, but love that is undeserved and unwanted. My pills help me cope, my friends make me laugh, and my mind makes me think. Left alone with my thoughts is both dangerous and destructive. I chose to be alone, and I chose to be miserable, and the honest truth, I left him for greener grass. Grass that have been ignoring me and shut me out as soon as I took a stroll in his garden.

Depression is not just a state of mind. Depression is a lifestyle that you have to take day by day. One day at a time... There are good ones, bad ones, wonderful ones, horrible ones, indifferent ones, and the of course the roller coaster ones.

My over-thinking and over-analyzing brain has been tainted to see the worst in myself, and the worst in the world. The few crepuscular rays shining from the thunder clouds is what is keeping me alive.



I am infested with hate and anger for the whole of civilization. I am drowning in a pool of sorrow. I am also reaching out for help as I take my last breath before I go into the unknown depth of the weakness in my mind that I respect out of fear.

If that didn't make any sense, welcome to my world.

Welcome to my world, where everyone I ever need, always ends up leaving me alone, as soon as there is a sign of misery. Because out of sight really does mean out of mind. If you can't see the pain, you can't feel sympathy, and you need not worry about the circumstances or outcome of the embracing darkness that sucks you in and keep you down.

I haven't been happy for a while, Jono knows this, my friends know this, I knew, and I kept on going with the relationship to make sure that Jono would be OK. My selfless acts would ensure that I keep my friends, and I keep my self-respect.

I was not born into a world of sin. I was born into a world of misery, and I am not blinded against it, unlike most people, I was born to be selfless and sad. I am here to carry the cross of the world for no purpose or reason. It's a cross that I will have on my shoulders for the rest of my life, a burden, a plague... A curse...

I am more demon than angel... This is no secret, it never has been. Maybe I'm even on that list of people that need a surprise from the Angel of Death for being a waste of space and oxygen.

But then I have one thing that sticks into my mind, over and over and over.

"USE IT"

For people who have the same great taste in movies as I do, that was Blade.

Something inside of me has to come out. Something has to be set free. The caged animal in me is banging to come out. Angel? Demon? The real me? Who knows? Who cares?

Who will hold my hand while I end my suffering, and become what is needed to become to stay alive?

I still have a pulse. I still have a working mind at times. The reckoning will target my emotions.

"I look up to the little bird that glides across the sky. It sings the clearest melody, it makes me want to cry. It makes me want to sit right down and cry... For I am just a troubled soul..."

Sent from my BlackBerry®

I'll let you know what happens...