A long complicated story

As any story starts, a long time ago, well, actually a few months ago, I met Jonathan. Love at first sight, and then life hit us smack in the face. This story doesn't end with "happily ever after", yet... This story also doesn't just revolve around him, but my friends as well. Friends who I love and care for, and they care about me. This story also isn't for kids. A lot will be told that will make a lot of people feel uncomfortable.

My friends and family warned me against Jonathan, that he was using me for money, and that he was bringing me down. He made me feel used at times as well. I've written about love and how heartless I can be, and well, I proved it to him. My birthday came and went, with an amazing cake that Cindi baked for me, and wonderful friends to keep me company. Cindi's birthday also came and went. We went to the Botanical gardens, and I baked a cake. A cake that was beautifully made, but the recipe was misread, and the final outcome was an "anti-heartburn cake".

I broke up with Jonathan, "because I was unhappy". The real reason shall stay a secret between him and I until the day we die. And then the complications got illegal. I know he will hate reading this post, but low and behold, I'm telling my life's story, and I won't delete any posts unless I feel like I want to.

He met a girl, Karisma, quite a while ago, how and why will never calculate in my mind. When I broke up with him, he decided to suppress his pain by going for her. I heard from him that she was 18, she had a jealous boyfriend, she was pregnant, and that her parents have written her of because she had a bun in the oven. Then plans were made for her to move in with him, she would finish high school, and that he was going to be a husband and a father. I wished him good luck and I, myself, had a fling going with a new guy. My fling ended up a one-night stand, and his, well... He organised with a friend to go and pick up this girl in Nelspruit from her dormitory. The friend dropped him, and then he probably forced his dad, because his dad (step-father) ended up picking up the girl, Karisma, from school. They left at 01:00 in the morning, and returned to Pretoria at around 06:30.

Then all of a sudden, I got a message from his mother, asking how I'm doing. We started messaging each other back and forth and I of course started fishing about this girl. His mother told me that Karisma and Jonathan were in his bedroom and she doesn't like it, and that she was 17 years old. Red flags went up everywhere in my mind, but alas, I had to sleep. Of course I didn't sleep. I had panic attacks the whole night, which means that I was hyperventilating and my pulse was racing, and I was horrified at the thought of someone else being in my Babes' arms. I woke up the next day in a bad mood, had a fight with Jono over BBM, and then started asking his mom more questions. I got Karisma's cellular number and her last name and decided to Google the girl. That's not stalking... That's keeping a promise that I made to Jono. I WILL ALWAYS LOOK OUT FOR YOU!

At the top of the list of the search results was "16 Jarige vermis uit Nelspruit - Laevelder" which translated means, "16 year old missing from Nelspruit - Lowvelder". Facebook is a wonderful thing. Karisma's mother posted a missing person ad on Facebook, which said that her 16 year old daughter was kidnapped and last seen leaving the dormitory at 06:35. I then informed Jono's mother that Karisma is a missing person and that a police case has been opened. I phoned Karisma's school, and was told by the head master that I will be contacted by the police. I then informed Karisma's mother of where she can find her daughter, and right after that, her father phoned me (they're divorced), and asked me for the adress. A private investigator also phoned me, but he couldn't even speak the phonetic alphabet.

Crash course for you who don't know what I'm talking about: Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, Golf, Hotel, India, Juliet, Kilo, Lima, Mike, November, Oscar, Papa, Quebec, Romeo, Sierra, Tango, Uniform, Victor, Whiskey, X-ray, Yankee, Zulu.

I made arrangements that I would take them to the house, after I had finished work. Jono's mom and I were corresponding the whole time about the arrangements. 

AND THEN...

I started playing my own game, telling Jono how much his friendship means, and how happy I am for him and , blah, blah, blah... Jono's mom told Romeo and Juliet what was going on. In the mean time, I had given their residential address to everyone who was looking for them. I received phone calls with Jono screaming his testicles out on me. His mother was swearing at me... Oh! Oh! Oh!

My favourite part was where I told Jono's mother that Jono was being stupid, selfish and impulsive, and that they can't afford feeding two more mouths. Then she said something about me having to keep my nose out of their business, to which I replied that they could all be arrested for kidnapping and aiding a criminal and that Jono was fucked up. Jono's mom said that he wasn't the fucked up one... And here's the punch line: "I know, he was raised that way".

"Don't get snippy with me"

Don't fuck with me... DUH!

The best Laugh Out Loud moment that day was a message from Jono's mother... "Look what you got us into, the police have arrested us all". 

Okert, my guardian, my keeper, my "bodyguard", then went with me to go and fetch the last of my stuff from Jono's house, all except my "The Pianist" DVD. I love that movie... That's where my tattoo came from. So, I had to go alone to fetch my DVD.

Long story short, well, not that long... I smoked a cigarette and left... I'm on happy pills combined with pain killers for a migraine I had all day. Jono is screaming, one inch away from my face, spitting on me as he repeats himself in anger. Lifted his hand, and luckily he dropped it. I am know for my running commentary on EVERYTHING that happens in life.

"Shout louder, the neighbours didn't quite get that"

"Is that a question or a statement?"

"Ha! Do you really want me to answer that?"

So, he's close to becoming "Citizen X", whilst I have a "Barney and Friends" smile on my face. Happiness really is how you see life.

I went home, as though nothing had happened, got coffee, got into bed, and then I phoned Jono when he calmed down.

Bottom line.

Jonathan is my boyfriend. I love him. He loves me. I will take care of him at any measure, whether my parents or friends agree or disagree. He makes me happy. He irritates the crap out of me. He makes the stupidest fucking mistakes under the sun when he thinks up something, but he's my wing nut. He's mine. I'm his. We are still two different people. But for some inexplicable reason I love him with all my heart. 

That and, he understands me. He rarely agrees with me, but he knows the screws inside my head are bent.

The next little girl on my to-do-list is a 14 year old (I heard somewhere 13), that decided to open a rape case against him.

This isn't a threat in anyway, but to put it in a business perspective, I spent money and time on creating a wonderful man who was wonderful to start off with, but needed a kick up the jack. He still owes me money. If you mess with him, you mess with my money, and my wonderful life that he has promised me.

He's my baby love, my babes...

And I am either your best friend, or you worst nightmare.

Women

Woman is a man's best friend. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; 
to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he  always feels that he is the most beautiful man in the room and will enable him to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.






No wait...... sorry....... I'm thinking of Klipdrift.

It's Klipdrift that does all that.

Sorry.
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Falling into depression

I recently broke up with my boyfriend. This was a guy that I wanted to marry at one stage. This is the person responsible for giving me back the ability to love. He's happy now, and I'm not.

I broke up for the right reasons, I wasn't happy, I was depressed, and I wasn't going to waste our time on a dead-end relationship.

I am empty now. My friends are suffocating me with love, love which I need, but love that is undeserved and unwanted. My pills help me cope, my friends make me laugh, and my mind makes me think. Left alone with my thoughts is both dangerous and destructive. I chose to be alone, and I chose to be miserable, and the honest truth, I left him for greener grass. Grass that have been ignoring me and shut me out as soon as I took a stroll in his garden.

Depression is not just a state of mind. Depression is a lifestyle that you have to take day by day. One day at a time... There are good ones, bad ones, wonderful ones, horrible ones, indifferent ones, and the of course the roller coaster ones.

My over-thinking and over-analyzing brain has been tainted to see the worst in myself, and the worst in the world. The few crepuscular rays shining from the thunder clouds is what is keeping me alive.



I am infested with hate and anger for the whole of civilization. I am drowning in a pool of sorrow. I am also reaching out for help as I take my last breath before I go into the unknown depth of the weakness in my mind that I respect out of fear.

If that didn't make any sense, welcome to my world.

Welcome to my world, where everyone I ever need, always ends up leaving me alone, as soon as there is a sign of misery. Because out of sight really does mean out of mind. If you can't see the pain, you can't feel sympathy, and you need not worry about the circumstances or outcome of the embracing darkness that sucks you in and keep you down.

I haven't been happy for a while, Jono knows this, my friends know this, I knew, and I kept on going with the relationship to make sure that Jono would be OK. My selfless acts would ensure that I keep my friends, and I keep my self-respect.

I was not born into a world of sin. I was born into a world of misery, and I am not blinded against it, unlike most people, I was born to be selfless and sad. I am here to carry the cross of the world for no purpose or reason. It's a cross that I will have on my shoulders for the rest of my life, a burden, a plague... A curse...

I am more demon than angel... This is no secret, it never has been. Maybe I'm even on that list of people that need a surprise from the Angel of Death for being a waste of space and oxygen.

But then I have one thing that sticks into my mind, over and over and over.

"USE IT"

For people who have the same great taste in movies as I do, that was Blade.

Something inside of me has to come out. Something has to be set free. The caged animal in me is banging to come out. Angel? Demon? The real me? Who knows? Who cares?

Who will hold my hand while I end my suffering, and become what is needed to become to stay alive?

I still have a pulse. I still have a working mind at times. The reckoning will target my emotions.

"I look up to the little bird that glides across the sky. It sings the clearest melody, it makes me want to cry. It makes me want to sit right down and cry... For I am just a troubled soul..."

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I'll let you know what happens...

Jono

The only reason I'm quiet and will stay quiet is because I've wasted enough time and money on you and I wouldn't have gotten anything from you that would be worth my time or efforts. And you and your dodge excuses and actions all of a sudden just make me feel better about my choice. So this was a hard lesson that I had to learn, but I have found someone so intensely good for me, that hasn't even held my hand, that I just couldn't keep on dragging a long with you and your drama and your moaning. So yes, I don't care anymore, and I'm a better person despite of what I have done. And once again, your promises have become empty words, your wishes for friendship has vanished, and the dick I know you for has come out again. Thank you for showing me the right way, and ensuring me that I'm not as naïve as I believe I am. I hope you and Karisma are happy, and that she's the kind of woman that will make you happy by enabling you to do what you want, when you want, at whatever financial or emotional cost, and making her tend to your every selfish need. I also hope that she has enough money to waste on your toys and meals. And my last wish is that I hope her clothes fit you, and that she has no obsession with cleanliness as I do.
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