Just to prove to myself how unstable I am at the moment, I decided to do the dumbest thing I could think of. There is a reason behind doing all of this nonsense. Two nights ago I cried like someone had died. I felt extremely miserable and sad, and for no reason at all. I pity myself for being so over reactive for nothing. I had a great day at work, came home all "happy-chappy", ate my dinner, watched QI, and as soon as I went to bed I felt like my world was coming to an end.
As personal as this may be, I still know that I'm not the only person in the world with problems, and people who are on anti-depressants will totally agree with me. Anti-depressants take away your sex-drive. Completely... Sad, but true. So, as I haven't had a rush of joy in quite a while, I craved a sense of emotional stimulation that would make me feel "high". Not that the drugs don't do it, the drugs make me giggle at myself, but its not the same.
I started off this week by driving like "I stole it", but that didn't give me the "high" that you get from adrenaline.
Now, to paint the complete picture for you, I live in Waverley, and I work in Centurion, and I am a commuter. I take the Gautrain (subway) daily to work and back. To and from the Gautrain is a 15 minute walk from Centurion Mall where I work. There is a bridge crossing Centurion Lake. This bridge is a hot spot for muggings and near death experiences. Apparently.
You guessed it, I took a walk, at 20:15 across the bridge of terror, to get an adrenaline high. I'm not complete stupid though, I have a stun gun. I haven't used it on anyone, yet... But it sounds like it can do some harm.
I had the whole scenario planned in my head. Some idiot with the intention to take my personal belongings (that I worked for, got paid for, and bought with my own money) was going to come at me. I would have stunned him, laughed at him or said something smart, and thrown him off the bridge, and the crime would stay an unsolved mystery or been declared a suicide.
I did it! I walked over that bridge, checking 360 degrees like a chameleon, and a man was following me. As I went around the corner to the train station, the man disappeared. He could have wanted to harm me, or he could have just been a circumstantial coincidence, but I got my high.
I sat and smoked a cigarette before I went inside the station. I smoked it like I was Clint Eastwood and the good guys won. Across the road there was a graffiti mark spray painted on the wall. I should have taken a photo, but my phone's camera is crap. It was a zodiac sign. Libra. The scales of justice. Its a bit funny how sentimental that rundown building became in a matter of a glimpse.
The high is gone now, but it will come again tomorrow. And the day after that.
The big question is now, if I do get mugged and killed, was it a form of suicide, or just another coincidence? I don't believe in fate anymore, or signs, or divine intervention, I just believe that there are good and bad people out there, and whatever happens, we can just blame or praise whoever is responsible for committing or omitting an act.
I am changing. We are all constantly changing. We are becoming who we will end up to be, and whatever I need to do to make sure I reach my ultimate status, will be done. I realized this when I was in the train, staring at my blurry reflection on the window. I am blurry at the moment. One day, and I don't know when, I will be clear minded.
But not now... As much as I hate Twilight, I have to admit, Bella going crazy for adrenaline to make her feel alive is a great idea. The idea is not very original, but its a cure for this moment in time.
See you on the flip side.
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