Chasing the Grim Reaper

So I have been diagnosed with depression quite recently and since I've been on my medication, I've been on a roller coaster of emotions. It is normal to have ups and downs, because the medication takes three months to stabilize your emotions.

Just to prove to myself how unstable I am at the moment, I decided to do the dumbest thing I could think of. There is a reason behind doing all of this nonsense. Two nights ago I cried like someone had died. I felt extremely miserable and sad, and for no reason at all. I pity myself for being so over reactive for nothing. I had a great day at work, came home all "happy-chappy", ate my dinner, watched QI, and as soon as I went to bed I felt like my world was coming to an end.

As personal as this may be, I still know that I'm not the only person in the world with problems, and people who are on anti-depressants will totally agree with me. Anti-depressants take away your sex-drive. Completely... Sad, but true. So, as I haven't had a rush of joy in quite a while, I craved a sense of emotional stimulation that would make me feel "high". Not that the drugs don't do it, the drugs make me giggle at myself, but its not the same.

I started off this week by driving like "I stole it", but that didn't give me the "high" that you get from adrenaline.

Now, to paint the complete picture for you, I live in Waverley, and I work in Centurion, and I am a commuter. I take the Gautrain (subway) daily to work and back. To and from the Gautrain is a 15 minute walk from Centurion Mall where I work. There is a bridge crossing Centurion Lake. This bridge is a hot spot for muggings and near death experiences. Apparently.

You guessed it, I took a walk, at 20:15 across the bridge of terror, to get an adrenaline high. I'm not complete stupid though, I have a stun gun. I haven't used it on anyone, yet... But it sounds like it can do some harm.

I had the whole scenario planned in my head. Some idiot with the intention to take my personal belongings (that I worked for, got paid for, and bought with my own money) was going to come at me. I would have stunned him, laughed at him or said something smart, and thrown him off the bridge, and the crime would stay an unsolved mystery or been declared a suicide.

I did it! I walked over that bridge, checking 360 degrees like a chameleon, and a man was following me. As I went around the corner to the train station, the man disappeared. He could have wanted to harm me, or he could have just been a circumstantial coincidence, but I got my high.

I sat and smoked a cigarette before I went inside the station. I smoked it like I was Clint Eastwood and the good guys won. Across the road there was a graffiti mark spray painted on the wall. I should have taken a photo, but my phone's camera is crap. It was a zodiac sign. Libra. The scales of justice. Its a bit funny how sentimental that rundown building became in a matter of a glimpse.

The high is gone now, but it will come again tomorrow. And the day after that.

The big question is now, if I do get mugged and killed, was it a form of suicide, or just another coincidence? I don't believe in fate anymore, or signs, or divine intervention, I just believe that there are good and bad people out there, and whatever happens, we can just blame or praise whoever is responsible for committing or omitting an act.

I am changing. We are all constantly changing. We are becoming who we will end up to be, and whatever I need to do to make sure I reach my ultimate status, will be done. I realized this when I was in the train, staring at my blurry reflection on the window. I am blurry at the moment. One day, and I don't know when, I will be clear minded.

But not now... As much as I hate Twilight, I have to admit, Bella going crazy for adrenaline to make her feel alive is a great idea. The idea is not very original, but its a cure for this moment in time.

See you on the flip side.

Headspin

All I want to say is that I'm the only satellite in my life. My friends are there to hold my hand, my family is there to criticize me, and there are strangers to distract me.

I feel like I'm spinning out of control lately, like I have lost the vision, and the will to go on. I realize that I am depressed, and that there is hope, I just need to find it again. Contrasting that statement I still have dreams and ambitions, I just don't feel like living for the moment anymore.

I have sympathy for murderers these days. I can see how anger and frustration would lead to the inevitable. But I can't understand why anyone would want to spend the rest of their life in an overcrowded cell...

I also understand why my uncles committed suicide. This life is hard... Its extremely hard. I have never felt as worthless or stupid in all my life, as I do now. There is a difference between feeling sad and feeling useless.

I hate this feeling. I am starting to hate myself. Its not that I hate life, I love life, I just don't like my life.

I have recently been diagnosed with depression, and I know that I am not the only one. I am currently on Trepeline, Urbanol, and Paxil. I feel better. I have great days and then I have horrible days as well.

At least I got a new job, I got away from the wicked witch of Brooklyn Bridge. I love my new job, I'm good at it, and I work with people. The interactions and influence of being around other people make me feel like I have a purpose. Yes, anyone can do my job. Yes, I can work with people anywhere. But this job... Its what I need right now.

I get lost in my head, as weird as it may sound, I forget what I want to do and what I need to do, but I still have plans for the future. The motivation is slacking though.

I'm not writing this post out of self pity or the need for attention. I am writing because I love it. I haven't written anything in ages. I have re-posted and retold stories, but its been a while since I wrote.

Its hard to find things that you like when you get depressed. I have recently started filling out word puzzles and playing soduko. Television bores me, but its a great pass time to shut down your brain and look at a moving picture box. My medication also helps by making me sleepy, so, I go to bed four hours earlier than I usually do. Sleeping is another great pass time activity. You can't be sad when you're asleep.

This is the start of the long road to recovery. Well, I'm not an alcoholic... So this is the great start to becoming reasonably normal and socially accepted by people who don't understand what it feels like to want to curl up in a fetal position and cry all the time.

My eating patterns have improved, my sleeping patterns are perfect and yet my energy levels stay low, my interest in activities are slowly creeping up and excitement comes and goes, and my interest in relationships have decreased to being nonexistent. I think about death and dying all the time, but that should be normal when six of your family members died in one year.

Six funerals in one year... It's like the Grim Reaper wants me to know that he is always close and reachable.

That silver lining on the clouds that I always talk about seem to be waiting for the cumulonimbus thunderstorm clouds to disperse and cumulus clouds to develop.

It's hard to not know what you want, or want what you need, or feel what you need to feel, or want to need to feel. If that makes any sense... If anything makes sense... If making sense of it all matters... If you really matter...

If I really matter.

Obviously I'm having a bad day. And just so you know, I'm not bipolar. Although that would be a brilliant excuse for everything that I've done in my life.

The only reason I would like to be religious is if there were proof that heaven existed.

Maybe heaven is just a metaphor for peace.

I would like to be at peace.