Cheers to the freakin weekend!

For once I went out with a friend. It was planned and organized, and not just "OK-lets-go!" for once... It was fun. We stayed out until 7:00 from 19:00 the previous night. Had shots. Got free stuff. Woohoo!

Road to reality... Not going there yet!

I just watched a movie, Happy-Go-Lucky, and the title interested me because I have been called a happy-go-lucky person a few times in my life. Except for the fact that I'm not that obnoxious anymore, the character "Poppy" is me. The movie is absolutely pointless, has no significant value like other movies such as Sweet November or even The Bucket List, but I found myself staring into a reality.

Poppy is a people-pleaser, as am I, and she tries to solve everyone's problems, and by solving problems she places herself in some difficult situations.

I do that too, and I'm glad I saw the movie, because it made me think...



I listened to the radio last night driving home from work, and the girl talking was going on about how she won't be a good Samaritan anymore. She gave money to a homeless woman and got a snotty "oh, thanks". And then, a few hours later my friend phoned me, his car got towed, I drove in to him in the early morning hours to pay the fine and get his car from the impound lot.

I am a people-pleaser, not that much a good Samaritan. I don't help the homeless, I don't give money to beggars, in fact I despise beggars, and I don't give money to the church, I think its a waste anyway. I do donate money to Helping Hands every month though, a debit order goes off my bank account. (http://www.helpendehand.co.za/)

And I like the way I am, and just as in the movie with Poppy, it frustrates me when you're trying to make someone smile, or just be a bit cheerful and get out of the "dark side", and they ignore you or keep on being negative. The people where I work is the exact example, and you know what, I am extremely grateful that I'm not that negative all the time. I know some of my blog contradict that statement, but really, overall I am happy.

I'm so glad, and grateful, that I have an interview this week. I can not wait, and yet, I just bit off all my fingernails. Bitter sweet.

And then, just now, I found something interesting:

People Pleasing and Love Addiction

by George Hartwell M.Sc. of www.HealMyLife.com

People Pleasing is a powerful web of childhood experiences, beliefs, and painful feelings that result in this meta-strategy to gain love, secure belonging, a safe home base. With such a firm foundation in the experiences of childhood this choice, this compulsion, this mind-set of earning love becomes solid as rock and impossible to stop.

Based on this decision, belief, experience and perception of life that one's caretakers are not going to provide unconditional love, a child devises people pleasing strategies to earn love. These earning love strategies might include: perfectionism, doing what is right, always being good, never giving offense, not expressing anger, working hard, and seeking measurable achievement including Type A behaviour pattern associated with heart attack.

Taken to extremes the child, and later the adult, becomes competative for love and begins to put down rivals for love which can solidify into the ugly habit of religious or non-religious self-righteousness. Do you know anyone who counters any good report about yourself or you children with an example from his or her life or family? Annoying, isn't it? That is competative People Pleasing.

Love Addiction and People Pleasing

Addictions and addictive behaviours are maintained, sustained and rewarded by escape from pain. The pain in People Pleasing is the sinking feelings that I did something wrong and will not be loved as a result. In fact there is a whole set of beliefs and associtated negative feelings called "The Pit" (my term) that anyone would want to escape.

Are you a People Pleaser? Do you find that when you experience criticism, failure, or confrontation you over-react. All of a sudden you are angry or depressed. Your response seems way out proportion to the event.

Here is what has happened. Your worse fears and most painful negative beliefs have just been triggered. You just dropped into "The Pit."

Down in the pits, you experience extremely negative beliefs and very painful feelings. (These feelings are stored in the memory bank of the Limbic System or Emotional Brain.)

The Pit is a painful, adverse, frightening, depressing experience that anyone would want to escape. Your dysfunctional way to escape (to assure safety, security and love) is people pleasing. This program is by now second nature. You used it in childhood to gain mother or father's approval and, by now, it is a longstanding way of life - a personality pattern. But now it fuels love addiction.

Gaining the prize - avoiding the pit and feeling in control by following the program - is enough to reward love addiction. The Pit is a painful; the people pleasing program provides relief. Following the program is rewarded by avoiding rejection and gaining praise and affection. This creates the Love Addiction cycle.

So, apparently I have another mental illness. I don't think its a bad thing to want to make people around you happy as long as you stay with my rule "cut your losses". I have given up on my dad because there is just no pleasing him. I love pleasing my mom. My sister, see dad.

I make people happy that make me happy.

Some random thing I saw on Comedy Central

Bo Burnham is probably one of the funniest guys I've ever seen on TV. Not Jeff Dunham funny, like David Sedaris funny.

He has a rap song. Rant. Here are the lyrics:

All the seats at the sunday masses,
Filled with the mass's massive asses,
Classes pass as fast as molasses.
Ceremonial reading glasses.
Read a little bit of leviticus.
All the kids are a little too little for this.
All the parents nod in agreement -
"I think I can vaguely see what he meant."
It's too early in the morning glory
To read another allegory story,
The father, reads a little bit farther,
Assuring the assured that they need not bother
"when god, in verse 45, said the slaves are okay to buy,
He meant that people, all from the start
Each have slaves within their hearts.
Things, that we have sold or boughten, that are forced to pick our moral cotton
God calls us to set these free, free our hearts from slavery...
And then as god goes on to explain the logistics of buying and selling slaves..."

In the back, I sit and I nod to the beats that are bumpin from my ipod
My god, they're starting to pray
And over the music I can hear them say
"dear god, dear lord, dear vague muscular man with a beard or a sword.
Dear good all-seeing being, my way or the highway yahweh.
The blue-balled anti-masturbator, the great, all-loving faggot hater,
I'd like to thank your holy might for making me both rich and white
And though this is your day of rest, I come to you with one request
There's so much pain beyond this steeple,
Wars and drugs and homeless people.
Sadness, where there should be joy, hate and rape and soulja boy.
A world in darkness needs your light, so I'm sure your schedule's pretty tight
But my dog just had leg surgery if you could fix that first...

Debra messing's fingers in a holy place, "hail mary full of grace."


Obama, could you pass some hope to the pope
I know a couple dude's who wanna elope
See the church said, "nope" so the bros can't cope.
(The bros can grope but the bros can't cope)
They've been in love, they've been addicted
Who said they shouldn't? benedict did.
Cause in the holy land of the lord he's the holy landlord and dicks are evicted.
Cause you can be a benedict if you've been a dick under benedict but
You can't have benedicts because there's only one pope and only one dick
What? a dick on a pope is
Just like a soap on a rope cause it's
Pointless, unless in prison, throw up your bibles, christ has risen.
Hallelujah, now it's raining men,
Because the gender ratio is 1 to 10.
Winos at the eucharist station, trans-gendered-substantiation
Jesus wasn't the messiah, get back I'm a heretic and I'm on fire
It was oedipus, and those holy nights
The holy motherfucking christ.
I'm a blasphemah post-katrina cruising the marina. on a crusade to cruise aids
And blast FEMA
You're too late, we're fucked we don't need ya.

In the name of the father, son and holy ghost
Head, shoulders, knees and toes
Turn up your nose, strike that pose.
HEY MACARENA!

Brilliant.

Daddy is going to kill me!

OK, I've done a few things this past month that have been testing in many ways, physically, mentally, and some situations just WTF?!?!?!

I have to start at Christmas eve, my sister and I went drinking, I met a guy, we went to his friend's house with another friend. WE DROVE TO KENYA, OR EGYPT, it was bloody far! Not really, but if there was a turn, we took all of them. Anyway, had loads of laughs, was very drunk, and the guy actually has personality.

I think I'm past the "I like the guy" phase, I won't ever let myself get lost again. What do I mean? I mean, I am not in control when I feel feelings.

Cold-hearted-B!%$#

OK, then... Went home with him, and then went home, and I did not have my house keys, I wrote this in the previous blog, by the way... I climbed onto our fence, after realizing that the bell doesn't work, the electric fencing's alarm doesn't want to ALARM!!! and I don't have enough money on my phone to phone a friend. I climbed onto our wall, still being drunk as a skunk, and then it hit me. And it hit me again, so, I moved, and the bugger hit me again. Apparently our front fence's wires are disconnected, the ones on the side work perfectly. I, disappointingly, ran out of courage, due to the fact that I hadn't eaten in 12 hours, I was drunk, and at mid day the sun is quite bright, to jump into our yard. No, I stood there, actually, jived, as the clicking sounds of electricity kicked me back into reality, and I realized I could die if I jump. So I got back down, and texted my daddy.

My sister looked worse than I did.

I still have bruises.

Right, my next adventure started of on New Years eve. I paid for one drink, I had about 30 in total. Went back to my Christmas Eve one-night-stand, I was to drunk to talk, and he can't even remember New Years eve, but nothing happened. I ended up kissing the owner of a well-known club in Pretoria, sadly there were witnesses, and later that night I witnessed a "crime" (seriously, it was a guy that fell onto a paved road, because some troglodyte smacked him into it) and then the police harassed the victim. I wrestled the cop, his partner wrestled me, and my friends got the partner off of me. I had a big thumb print on my arm... Its gone now...

I don't know how my legs are still bruised?

So, I made friends with the cops.



And what you see happened on 17 January, Charlie from Keep it Real did it. I love it! Love it! Looooooooooooooooooove it!

Only some of my friends and my sister know. Parents no-no. My dad and I have a few problems, we always will, but I don't want this to be an issue, but I want the tattoo. Did it hurt? Only the top two lines, it actually tickled, it was right on my tickle spot. There are two funny lines I will remember from Charlie.

1. "Why can't I have nice things?"
2. "I'm glad to see you're human."

I might go to hell though. I am beginning to become trouble, or I'm just rebelling a bit late. But I make life easier for myself!

Oh, and my mom told me something that I've wanted to say to her for years now!!!! "You should hear the way he talks to me, I'd rather be at work". I know how he talks to her, and I brain slap him every time. Sometimes I even have a knife or a gun, just as a threat, not going in for the kill.

I wish I had a camera crew follow me around like a reality TV series. The stuff I get into these days.

Every time I want to drink now, I just think of one night. A friend came home with me, I couldn't get rid of him, and he tried to get kinky. I have the perfect advice out of experience. Pretend to throw up. Stand in the bathroom, close the door, and ROAR! Works like a charm.

I do not want to end up in that situation again.

NEVER.

I need to write more often. Hope whoever read this enjoyed it.