Why do I need a title?

OK, so I started working at the paintball range again, and my boss told me something that really bothers me: I have ADD.

I know I'm bipolar, but I'm sure I don't have ADD nor ADHD, and the more I think about it, the more I cause inner conflict, I talk a lot, I can't focus on something too long, and I interrupt people, but that doesn't mean I have ADD, does it?

Anyway, I saw the silver lining on Saturday, a very nice fellow, but I don't think I'll see him again.

I really didn't think that I'll find an interest in guys very soon, and I have, it was only for a few hours, but I do miss the feeling of having a crush on someone or being in love.

That feeling where you hold someone and time stops. Haven't felt that in years... And maybe I do need a romantic relationship again, I need something to do, other than sleep in, play Evony, read, watch TV, and visit friends, because that's basically all I do, and its getting old, fast.

Luckily my friend's new band is having their first gig on Tuesday, so, I can get into the metal scene again, that's the one thing I missed the most in USA, was the head-banging, coming home drunk, and deaf, lower back and neck pains the next day, smudged make-up. Good times!

Unfortunately my favourite metal club shut down whilst I was overseas, I miss that place. And the worst thing was that my best friend moved 6 hours away. We used to go out all the time, and I was at his house permanently. I miss him, we had good times, and there was a constant between us, we knew each others boundaries, and rules, etc. We were good together.

Sometimes I think going to the USA was a huge mistake, I lost friendships, and I was extremely lonely and depressed over there. But I learnt, and grew a lot over there. And the children. Aye! I miss them, I still dream about them every night.

I really need kids in my life, so, I am going to start working at an after school daycare centre, for 3 hours a day, 4 days a week.

Should keep me straight.

The gym calls...

Oh, I lost 10 kg's so far, WooHoo!

A new life

It's been weeks since I did this, so, I have a lot of catching up to do.

Well, overall I'm a bit sad and bored, but as usual, I never show it. Being bipolar has its disadvantages, and me hiding, and trying to please people by making them believe everything is OK, is going to take its toll pretty soon.

So, the past few weeks, I applied to join the police, behind my dad's back, and then when I came out, I failed to mention that I already applied, and he took me to the administration offices. I just told him that they we're recruiting again. OOPS!

Anyway, secret is safe. I failed my fitness test, because America's weight is holding me back. I felt so disappointed, I can't believe how unfit I am, how I let myself go. And with that, when I was in Idaho I was bulimic, not the illness, just the action, and I went to the gym almost everyday, and I still didn't lose any weight. Doesn't make any sense. Exercising with no food in you, and then continuing purging, and no results? I don't know how the real bulimics do it...

I'm still waiting to hear from the SAPS, because someone told someone that told someone that the fitness test doesn't count. I don't believe it, but I still have high hopes. If I do, by some miracle, get in, I will be trained as a detective, not just a plain normal constable, but a detective-constable. Woohoo!

So, after my eyes opened about how unfit and fat I really got, I went to a dietitian, and I am now going to the gym 5-8 times a week, depending on how stiff I am from the previous day. I've lost 9 kg so far, now I have 20 kg to go.

Then, me and my religion have had a conflict again... Ai me!

I started reading the Bible again, because I joined a group on Facebook, and someone said that there was never a flood (Noah and the Arc). And I decided to read about it. And I discovered, to my surprise, I don't really know the Bible. I thought that there were lots of people on the arc, but no, only Noah and his family. And then the cousins married each other, etc etc. There's a word for that: INCEST!

And the incest continues, Abraham's wife, Sarah, was his half-sister??? But the thing that really caught my attention was:

Genesis 10:31 (King James Version)

31These are the sons of Shem, after their families, after their tongues, in their lands, after their nations.



Genesis 11:1 (King James Version)

1And the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech.


Just after they say that Shem, Ham, and Japheth's nations spoke their own language, they say that there was only one language???

So, once again, I'm distorted.

And now what now? I don't know what I believe in anymore. I want to believe in a god, and salvation, and hear the stories, but I spoke about the BoM contradicting itself, and now the Bible is doing the same.

I have so many questions, I need so many answers, but I don't know how to approach the church. I wanted to join the youth programmes in the church to witness to them about the Mormons, and tell them about all the false prophets in the world, and how they use the Bible to make it sound rational. But all they want me to do is make drinks, and wash cups for their socials.

Where in the church is God?

I told them about the Mormons, I told them I wanted to do Bible study with the youth so they can spot the false Christs, and the false prophets. I went with a sincere heart, and a strong will. All crushed by Jesus freaks.

There's a website about the contradictions:

http://www.infidels.org/library/modern/jim_meritt/bible-contradictions.html

So, now, I'm reading an adventure book, at least I know its fiction...

I'm almost turning 23, and I think its getting to me. Depression hits every year before my birthday, its tragic.

Oh, and I quit my horrible job, happiness! I miss the kids though, I always do, and lately I've been dreaming of my kids back in Idaho. They gave me joy. They gave me life.

Maybe I should just find a normal job, settle down and have kids. I think sometimes, my dreams are to big for me, and its hard to live life when you can't do what you want.

But then again... What do I want?